3 vs. 1

Many years ago a friend of mine was asked to become the chairman of the board for a non-profit company in my local community.  

This organization was having serious trouble.  The board meetings were long affairs, often lasting until one or two o'clock in the morning as the top executive fought it out with the board members and everyone had to have their say.  It was unproductive and contrary to the values of the organization.

To start his initial meeting as chairman, my friend said:  "I have two rules on how these meetings will proceed.  First, each meeting will end at 11:00 p.m., even if someone is mid-sentence.  Therefore please keep your comments brief and try not to repeat what others have already said.  Second, if you have something negative to say, you must first say three sincere, positive things."

He then enforced those rules.  The situation turned around rapidly.

Notice my friend had carefully considered the situation and then focused on the positive.  Human nature leads many people to build themselves up by putting others down.  Being negative does not get results long-term.

If you think you are a "realist," then you might actually be a skeptic or pessimist with "the gift of correction."  This creates some potential problems that are hard, but not impossible to overcome:

1. It is easier for you to correct people than compliment them.  Following my friend's advice can help you better reinforce the behaviors you want to see in your people.
2. You have difficulty admitting you are wrong.  Yes, you may be right a high percentage of the time, but if you cannot recognize and fully embrace the areas where others are correct and find commonality then you are throwing up barriers to working most productively with others.
3. SINCERE compliments are important, but consistency in positively engaging people - i.e. thanking them specifically for the little things they do rather than occasionally in general makes a big difference.

How do you develop a habit of better complimenting people?  See the Meeting Ideas below for additional ideas.

BE a 3STRANDS LEADER

Systematic Leadership, inspiring others in Meaningful Work, and consistently expressing Sincere Gratitude to people around you.

Meeting Ideas

The 3-to-1 communication style with other people can be very engaging, if done sincerely and not strictly.  

Let's be candid, it would be irritating to be complimented three times before a correction each time you talk with someone, but here are some ideas to consider if compliments are challenging for you:

1. Shut Up:  Develop a habit of thinking before you speak.  If you react without thinking you will correct someone.  If you pause and think, you can direct your thoughts to something sincere and specific to compliment.  Often times the compliment can lead to asking questings and finding that another approach to a problem may be better.
2. Ask:  Do not tell them what is wrong, ask them.  For instance, "I liked the way you closed that service ticket with the client.  One of our values is to exceed expectations.  I am wondering, would it help close the experience on that ticket better if we (not an accusatory "you") also sent a follow-up email confirming the work that was done and thanking them for their support through the process?"
3. Choose Your Battles:  Let some stuff go, just not the important activities.
4. Good Cop, Bad Cop:  Make your company values, policies, Always/Never Standards, etc. the "bad cop."  Encourage people to meet these standards rather than your opinion.  You are the "good cop," who wants only the best for them, your team and clients.  (The best for people, rather than focus on what is best for "the company," which is impersonal.)
5. Gratitude:  Too often "realists" are not thankful enough for what they have.  Instead they wallow in not getting their high ideals met.  (Sometimes they are not meeting their own standards or following their own advice.)  

Consider what might happen if you developed the 3rd Strand of 3Strands LEADERSHIP, Sincere Gratitude, and it led your thoughts rather than follow weakly if not at all.

You may need to say or write statements of gratitude like dictums to reprogram your brain.  For instance, "I am thankful for the way (employee name) does (something specific they do).  I am thankful for (Client's name) because they..."

The behavior of being a "realist" can be positive if it is balanced and follows a skill of sincerely, positively reinforcing people. Communication lacking sincere positive reinforcement is toxic.  Try changing for one day.  Just one full day.

Add a comment and let me know how it goes.