Why They Never Ask
Decades ago I took a Dale Carnegie course. It was 13 weeks straight, three hours one night each week. It was fabulous because the instructor, Alan, was awesome.
Every week we meet new people. Alan taught a story metaphor to systematically start a comfortable conversation with a person you’ve never met before. This simple framework helps you bond with people and learn about them. It also sets the stage to ask additional questions as you engage them in sincere conversation.
As I recall, it goes something like this:
#1 - Picture a huge name tag. Introduce yourself, and ask, “What’s your name?”
#2 - Think of a house. The roof peak of the house’s highest point is breaking through the name tag. You ask, “Where do you live?”
#3 - There is a foot-long hot dog coming out of the chimney of the house. You ask, “How long have you lived there?”
#4 - On top of the hot dog is a workman’s glove. You ask, “What do you do for a living?”
#5 - The thumb and index finger of the workman’s glove are holding the wingtip of a commercial airplane. You ask, “Do you like to travel?”
#6 - Standing on the opposite wing of the plane are one or more members of your family. Coming out of the ear of one family member is a snow ski, or something else that indicates a hobby. You ask, “What you like to do when you’re not working?”
#7 - Perched on top of the snow ski’s tip is a lightbulb, which indicates ideas, goals, or dreams. You ask, “What ideas do you have, or goals are you pursuing that really excite you?”
Remembering this story metaphor enables you to develop a habit of easily entering into conversations with virtually anyone.
However, let’s return to the original challenge of this post:
Why They Never Ask
When someone asks you what you do, why do they rarely ask for any details after you respond?
For instance, somebody asks you: “What do you do for a living?”
You respond:
“I’m a CPA.”
“I work at Starbucks.”
“I sell insurance.”
“I work for an IT managed services company.”
Most of the time people nod their head, don’t ask more questions related to your work, and then shift the conversation in a different direction. Another response might be that they say nothing, or walk away! This is particularly true if they think you’re going to sell them something, which I’m not recommending you do.
However, it can be mutually rewarding to learn more about what someone does for a living and/or their personal life, as appropriate.
I love people. I get into conversations easily. At some point, they ask what I do. My response used to be:
“I help bad bosses become great leaders. Have you ever had a bad boss?”
Almost everyone laughed and said they’ve had a bad boss. Some have had several bad bosses. Then they said something like, “Oh, that’s great! We definitely need more great leaders.”
BUT… they rarely asked questions.
Why Don’t They Want to Learn More?
This situation reminds me of fishing. There are lots of different ways to fish, and 28,000 known fish species. To succeed in fishing, you have to know what you’re fishing for, use the right equipment, and the correct bait. Otherwise, you’re probably not going to hook anything.
Remember my response above was, “I help bad bosses become great leaders. Have you ever had a bad boss?” People would engage in that statement. However, most of them immediately thought of…
How someone else should change, rather than themselves.
Here are some possible reasons for the way people respond to us when we share our profession:
#1 – We live in a self-centered society. Consciously and subconsciously many people are primarily focused on themselves. Asking you questions means they have to listen to your answers, you may talk too long, be boring, or ask them questions they don’t want to discuss. It may be they’re just shy, or simply not interested in you.
However, there’s no benefit to blame this problem totally on others. Let’s own our part of the problem. We can take action to improve our habits.
The result can be a win-win when we connect with others based on identifying and discussing shared beliefs, habits, interests, and knowledge. Therefore, how can we change our response so we connect better with nice people?
#2 - My response lacked detail and connection. It did focus the other person on “bad bosses,” but in doing so, it triggered judgmental thoughts of others rather than self-reflection.
Therefore, similar to my fishing analogy, focus on catching a specific type of fish. Do NOT try to sell anything. The “fish” to catch is a sincere connection with the person with whom you’re speaking. Therefore, our answer to their question about what we do for a living must specifically connect back to them.
#3 - The “equipment” I was using had a negative term, “bad bosses,” which is a label people instinctively want to avoid for themselves. This created a barrier for connection, except as it related to them judging someone else.
Therefore, another change we must make is to remove any negatives.
#4 – My response lacked a good hook and the right bait. Lastly, expert fishermen (women or men) must use the right bait on a good hook to catch their desired fish. This means our brief explanation of what we do for a living must motivate the person to learn more about us. We do this by getting them to talk about themselves.
Again, we are NOT selling. Let’s simply enjoy connecting with people and learning more about them. This approach might result in us asking almost all of the questions because they are more comfortable talking than listening. That’s fine.
Therefore, as an example, I recently changed my response to something like this:
“I teach a simple three-step discipline that can make anyone an incredible leader. What’s the biggest challenge you’re facing at work?”
Notice how these two statements indicate hit all the criteria for successfully fishing:
#1 – It’s focused on them, not me.
#2 – I’m not talking generically. Instead, my response engages with the other person by asking them a specific question.
#3 - I removed the negative “bad bosses” from my reply. Instead, I emphasize the simplicity of my approach, and how it can positively help anyone.
#4 – I adjusted my second statement to focus the other person on discussing the biggest problem they’re facing.
It helps to be sincerely interested in other people. Another thing that contributes to the success of this approach is whether the person sincerely wants to meet others.
Be prepared for people to only talk about themselves. This may occur because they’re nervous, not egotistical. Start the conversation. Find ways to enjoy it. Then, graciously end it and move onto others if you’re not connecting or have limited time.
Conclusion
We encourage you to develop a sincere interest in others. In the process, they will share experiences that benefit you, and you may have opportunities to explain something you’ve learned that can help them.
One way to engage more deeply with others is to develop a response that better connects with their question about what you do for a living. Consider the thoughts above. Develop a brief response that motivates the other person to talk more. Practice it and memorize your response. Have fun with it, and enjoy your new friends!
Don’t hesitate to contact us if you have any questions.
