Buddy System

PLEASE NOTE:  The following does not describe one of my Clients, but it does relate to the effectiveness of your leadership.

Graham woke up tired, but that was typical.  He went through his morning routine and landed at his desk with a fresh cup of coffee.  He was focused, he was productive, he was...  hungry about one hour later.  

You see, Graham has a habit of having a huge sugary Danish about one hour after starting work.  He regularly eats enough daily to feed 2-3 average-sized people.

Graham tries several times a year to lose weight, but as illogical as it sounds, it is easier for him (in his mind) to carry an extra 100+ pounds than it is to change his eating and exercise habits.

Graham is risking diabetes, heart disease or failure, and a variety of other health challenges.  He knows the risks.  He even acknowledges that any of these weight-related health setbacks are permanent, yet his behavioral patterns still do not change.

Why?

It is complicated.  Graham's behaviors stem from a variety of different possible causes.  Some might be from his childhood.  Others might be triggered by adult relational wounds.  That might be the reason he avoids fully considering the effects of his decisions, although he can analyze the technology environment as well as the best people in the industry.

Graham is risking death, or permanent disability...

Again, we ask WHY does he continue to live out these destructive behaviors?

At least 2-3 times a year Graham summons all his willpower to begin a new diet.  Sometimes exercise is involved.  Every time he attempts a program for a few weeks, but fails to develop a new habit.

The symptom or consequences of Graham's problem is weight.  It negatively affects his professional and personal performance, opportunities to fully enjoy life, and makes it challenging for people to fully believe in him.

The disease is the bad habit.

The symptoms of your primary behavioral issues may not be your weight or physical health.  It might be poor financial stewardship, follow-up or follow-through, leadership, negativity... The list goes on.  The bottom line is we all have issues.  No one is perfect.

This article is not to explore the reasons behind your unhealthy behaviors.  My focus is how to change your bad habits and negative patterns.

Two things hold us back from overcoming our toxic habits:

(1) Willpower is not enough.  Do you realize that bad habits never go away?  This is the conclusion of a variety of experts and Dr. Henry Cloud's comments recently at Willow Creek Church,which are part of the focus of his latest book, Never Go Back.

Let me say that again:  BAD HABITS NEVER GO AWAY.

My understanding is willpower alone consistently loses its wars against bad habits.  Willpower can win some early battles, like Graham starting a new exercise program or diet, but it always loses the war when it tries to overcome bad habits rather than be a catalyst to replace them.

It is illogical then to focus our efforts primarily on increasing our willpower.  (Just TRY HARDER...)  Instead we have to create new, more healthy and positive habits that replace and overpower our bad habits.

This is why Alcoholics Anonymous and similar groups encourage people to attend meetings regularly and hold each other accountable.  The habit of attending a meeting and actively participating replaces the bad habit of the addiction.

Do you have a bad habit that could be called an addiction or negative pattern that is hurting you or others in some way?

If you do, then Dr. Cloud recommends is a three step process to initiate a change of behaviors.  It takes willpower to initiate a positive change, but focuses on developing new, more powerful habits to sustain positive change over time:

1. Realize the mistake and commit not to go there again.
2. Get help.
3. Demonstrate positive change.

You may have apologized regularly for your worst leadership habit.  We all have...  and then we do it again anyway.  Unfortunately, if the habit continues for years, sometimes decades, then you are missing HUGE opportunities.  Significant rewards are being left behind forever.

How Do Successful People Do It?

Dr. Cloud's research concludes that "successful" people, however you define success to be, make a mistake and/or realize they have a negative behavior, and then commit to Never Go Back there again.

The successful people do not have an edge, or something you are missing.  Studies indicate their intelligence, resources, and opportunities are about equal to the people who do not experience similar rewards.  

The difference between being successful or not is simply replacing negative behaviors with positive ones.  

The sooner you develop the positive habits the better, but it is never too late for anyone to experience transformational change.

Dr. Cloud tells what he says is a common story about addiction that I think applies to ongoing bad leadership habits.  I am quoting an online version by Portia Nelson, but there are others:

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.  There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.  I fall in.  I am lost...  I am helpless.  It isn't my fault.  It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.  There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.  I pretend I don't see it.  I fall in again.  I can't believe I am in the same place.  But, it isn't my fault.  It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.  There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.  I see it is there.  I still fall in...  it's a habit.  My eyes are open.  I know where I am.  It is my fault.  I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.  I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Developing new, positive, powerful habits that overcome and replace our bad habits is walking in a new direction.  Anything less than that repeats your decision to fall in the hole again.

You have to commit to Never Go Back there again.

(2) Commit to a Buddy.  Alone we are weak.  Without a support structure or some form of accountability, our chances of replacing our old bad habits with new ones are slim to none.  However, we are stronger when we work together with others.

In a study of married couples who exercised, John Raglin, Ph.D, MS and exercise physiologist Janet P. Wallace found that only 8 percent of the participants who exercised with their spouses quit compared to half of the participants who exercised independently of their spouses.  

Work together with one or more buddies on developing better habits and you will have more success than if you go it alone.

Keep in mind, depending on your situation, if you have a really bad habit or negative pattern you might want to seek professional counseling.  There is nothing wrong with this.  Asking a friend or family member to join you in your efforts might be a life-changing option too.  Regardless, every approach will make you stronger and more successful when you commit to work on your new habits with one or more "buddies" for accountability.

For example, I am 57 years old.  Part of my exercise routine is swimming.  It is incredibly boring for me to swim laps alone.  My favorite swimming is to play water polo with the local high school boys team, which is coached by my old friend Carl Lundgren.  

When I am not playing water polo, then I try to schedule my lap swimming with Carl, Danny, or Jimmy.  Alone I swim about as fast as a slug on salt, but with friends to keep me going and banter between sets I get a great workout.

Do not allow yourself to slip into a deep depression because you finally deal with a toxic habit.  Remember Robin.  Robin Williams made a bad decision recently and ended his life.  There is abundant life after failure.  Depression is not the purpose of this process.  You can overpower any toxic behavior and experience the full potential of the life you have been given.

One proven way to accomplish this goal is to follow Dr. Cloud's simple process.

Start Developing Those New Habits

In conclusion, consider what would happen to your life if you changed your worst bad habit, or at least one of them.

Try this 3strands approach to overcome bad habits or negative patterns that have plagued you for years:

1. Buy a copy of Dr. Henry Cloud's new book, Never Go Back, and read it with a highlighter so you can remember the key points that jump out at you.
2. With great vulnerability accept responsibility for a bad habit that has hurt you, people you love, and others.  Then make a commitment to Never Go Back.
3. Commit to one or more buddies.   Engage with your spouse, family and/or friends who will reliably, respectfully, and encouragingly walk with you through this transition and beyond.  Demonstrate progress daily and never stop believing in yourself.  (If you need professional help, then identify a highly recommended resource and give him/her a try.)

I work with clients on a regular basis who have one or more bad habits.  They all have the capability to replace them with better habits.  Too often they rely on new ideas and apply willpower just to jump from one idea to the next.  They think if they just push themselves harder or jump to a new idea then things will change.

Things do not change unless you consistently work on developing and sustaining your new habits with your buddies.  

There's an old saying that goes:  

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.  

Watch your words, for they become actions.  

Watch your actions, for they become habits.  

Watch your habits, for they become character.  

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

Habits are learned, so only spend time with people of strong character because they will help you become your best.

One of the greatest challenges I have with Clients is to get them to believe in themselves as much as I believe in them.  Believe in yourself and your future!

Be a 3strands Leader

Demonstrate Systematic Leadership as you inspire others in Meaningful Work, and consistently express Sincere Gratitude to people around you. 

David Russell, CEO
MANAGEtoWIN